A pat on the back

It seems funny to me, maybe proof of my own point that you can know how your culture affects you but never escape it, that I would write this post right after the last, about how I wish I could stop judging others and myself based on the American value of achievement and work.

But it’s also not in such conflict, because over the course of my Peace Corps service I have learned to adjust the standards by which I judge how well I am doing as a volunteer. I came in with the romantic idea that if I do well my community should all just love and treasure me, like something out of a ridiculous Peace Corps recruiting brochure. I also had expectations of measurable, tangible success with my projects – no one in my sex ed group would become pregnant, kids would suddenly learn how to read because of the educational software I installed for them. Now I understand that the community doesn’t see the half of what you do, and that any impact you have on young people through projects is lost in a sea of other influences.

Still, throughout my service I have continued to try – not sure exactly what for, but point being, I haven’t given up and become part of the “Beach Corps” as so many volunteers do. I talked for a long time with my mom tonight about how I feel a sense of being unappreciated, like no one notices or cares even about what I’m doing. It makes me feel a kind of anxiety about returning to the States, where that sort of effort is not valued or even understood.

But today I was also working on a first draft of my DOS – description of service – Peace Corps jargon for the document that describes what you did during your service – and it made me feel good. That old American sense of worth. But as I tried to articulate to my mom, my sense of accomplishment is somehow incredibly personal. I can’t tell you that I changed the lives of youth in my community. I can’t tell you that children in the elementary school read better because of the computer lab I set up. I can’t tell you that I could have done much more by fundraising to build a library.

The sense of accomplishment I feel is at having continued to try at something that is emotionally exhausting and that at times seems pointless. The image of Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill comes to mind.

When I decided to come into Peace Corps, I knew full well that I would likely not feel that I had really changed anything by the time I finished my service. I didn’t join the Peace Corps because I felt I could single-handedly “develop” a developing country. I joined because I felt it was the right thing to do. The injustice and misery that extremely poor people suffer while the rest of the world goes on living in narcissistic luxury seemed to me a good enough reason to at least make an effort. And while I’ve been in the Peace Corps, that feeling has been reaffirmed, even though I understand now that we shouldn’t feel pity simply because someone lives in a house of wood slats and a tin roof. I’ve seen how even the brightest youth cannot read fluently out loud, how they will never have a chance to travel to another country, how no one has explained to them that they have a right to decide when and how to have children. I believe that Dominicans deserve better than the society they have, and I came here, supposedly, to help make it happen.

So even though I’ve experienced endless frustrations, starting with being assigned to support computer labs that were never supplied electricity, I have found ways to continue working on projects that I believe in. I didn’t take the fact that things should have been different as an excuse not to find something that would work. As I’ve come to think of it, I haven’t let the limitless obstacles keep me from seeing the limitless possibilities. My mom said that it takes self-motivation. I have often chalked it up to emotional capacity, that is, the ability to overcome the disappointment and frustration to continue putting in effort, even if you think it might be pointless in the end. And now, I’m glad that I did. I came here because I believed that we are all responsible for making the world a little more fair, and I hope that the little projects I have offered have given some youth more chance than they would have had to grow.

For me, the right thing to do has been teaching. As I look back on my service, I don’t regret the moments where I felt like I taught someone, as I would never regret the moments I learned something from them.

So, if you will indulge me, here is a summary of my description of service. Really, I am proud of it. It’s not all I could have done, but it took considerable effort.

• Assigned to three labs instead of the usual one
• Spent four months figuring out why schools didn’t have electricity, getting the government to pay up, and following up the repairs.
• Set up two computer labs, including installing Windows and all the other programs on them.
• Taught teachers to use the computers so that they could feel comfortable bringing their students to the lab as part of class. Many of them didn’t even know the basics, like what a double click is.
• Taught several computer classes to about 60 youth and professionals, including employees of the hospital, including Microsoft Office, Adobe Dreamweaver, and Photoshop.
• Taught a course on community journalism, including how to use a digital camera. Students kept a community news blog and have started a weekly radio show with interviews and news reports. Took class on a field trip to see the country’s newspaper of record, Listin Diario.
• Taught a course on entrepreneurship as part of a national Peace Corps initiative to encourage small business development. Graduated 25 students including three who submitted a business plan that was selected as one of 20 finalists out of 40 submissions. Students went to national conference to present their plan.
• Taught a course on sex ed to teach teens to be peer health promoters. As of now, I am training a second group. First group did weekly radio show teaching the material in a talk-show format, including an episode on HIV/AIDS where they interviewed a woman who was infected about discrimination against her, how to get medical treatment, and myths about HIV. Teens also gave charlas with me to about half the high school and all of the seventh and eighth grades in the elementary school.
• Did weekly radio show called “La Hora Americana” (The American Hour) that included English phrases, American music and educational talks about things like cholera, Dominican/Haitian relations, and the American Independence.
• Screened critically acclaimed films from Latin American and Spain as part of a Cinema Festival for youth. Discussed the films’ meanings and the social issues surrounding them, including corruption in the Catholic Church, gender, and drug trafficking.
• Planning a conference with a fellow volunteer for school principals and teachers to talk about how to improve the quality of education at their schools and change their ideas about the purpose of education.
• Got a grant to buy digital cameras for the schools and a color printer for the elementary school so that they could document educational activities and reward meritorious students with certificates of recognition.
• Translated for a weeklong medical mission that held triage clinics in remote areas with little access to medical care.

And still to come…

I have signed up for World Wise Schools to do exchanges with a ninth grade Spanish class in New York. I still hope to form a girls group. I may also be sponsoring a computer club.